Thursday, April 15, 2010

Crazy Good

April truly must be the cruelest month. Or the most depressing. Whatever is going on, I am reading a lot of blog posts about writers dealing with possible insanity, protracted malaise, and profound allodoxaphobia as regards their work.

Come on, peeps, buck up! It’s not so bad. Really. It’s nothing that a handful of MAO inhibitors won’t cure, right?

In case you’re having trouble remembering why you do this writing thing in the first place, I’ve put together this Top Ten list for you.


10) It explains away your heavy drinking so no one will bug you about going into rehab.

9) Every neighborhood needs a creepy hermit anyway, right?

8) It’s way better than being a frustrated accountant.

7) Who needs the agony of knowing his success is creating envy in others?

6) Nobody -- and I mean NOBODY -- handles the pressure of nobody caring like you can.

5) Your revenge fantasies are elaborately plotted, well-paced, and have realistic dialogue.

4) Real life is overrated anyhow. The world is far better when you create it on the page. And control it. Utterly.

3) What does publication really matter? After all, you write for your own pleasure and satisfaction and would find actual publication, at best, irrelevant and, at worst, distracting to your artistic goals.

2) What?! Get her out of here before the space ship comes back around to pick her up. Sheesh. I leave my keyboard for one second to go to the bathroom, and this is what happens. We’ve got to get better security in the studio. Fingerprinting. Retinal scanning. Something.

And the No. 1 reason it’s great to be an unpublished writer -- especially today, on April 15?

1) You don't have to pay taxes on royalties you don't earn.

I'm sure I must have left off some others. Please feel free to add your own reason it's great to be an unpublished writer in the comment section below. That's assuming you can type and your keyboard isn't all slippery from your blood, sweat, and tears.