Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Blurbs I Can't Wait to Write for You

Shockingly enough, as a writer, I have many writer friends. All of us are at different stages of —OK, I will not use the term “writing journey” because I simply refuse. The very word “journey” has been co-opted by reality-TV and then, of course, when I hear the word “journey,” I can’t help but think of these guys.  

How about we say we’re at different stages of our writing disease? Some of us are terminal and some of us still have a chance to find meaningful paid employ before the alcoholism takes its toll and we have the shakes so bad, "surgical resident" ceases to be a career option.

Point is, I will be thrilled when my friends’ books are published, and I’m already preparing for that day by practicing my blurbs for them.  I have a folder of generic blurbs suitable for just about any genre so, you guys, you come to me when you need a blurb for your book jacket or a book review. You can pick from the bulleted list below:
  • "All I can say is that I read this book and immediately wished the English language had those upside-down exclamation points like they have in Spanish. I’m telling you, I need some special punctuation to denote a higher level of intensification because even dozens upon dozens of exclamation points at the end of the statement, “This is awesome!” could not begin to communicate my enthusiasm for this book. Aaaaand... now I’m sad that I don’t speak Spanish. Or Swedish. Don’t the Swedes have o’s with slashes through them? I’ll bet they have special blurb punctuation that we don’t have. The Swedes are clever like that."
  •  "As soon as I finished reading this book, paramedics rushed me to the hospital because they thought I was having a seizure, but it turns out it was simply a paroxysm of joy. I guess those two things can look a lot alike. Apparently they had to cut this book out of my hands when I got to the hospital. Oh, and they also put this thing in my mouth to keep me from biting off my own tongue. If I stay on my meds, I should be OK. So I guess I would say, definitely read this book but maybe have a, you know, phone nearby in case, like me, you need to call EMS."
  • "If you like stuff that’s good, read this book. If you don’t like stuff that’s good then why are you even in this book store at all? What’s that? You’re here to get a mocha latte and an iced pomegranate scone? Well, you just get your scone and be on your way then. This book is not for you. Sheesh. Some people."
  • "If this book were a chili pepper, it would be, like, um... *Googles the phrase "world's hottest pepper"* ... a Ghost Pepper, OK? It's THAT HOT. Like, for serious, its hotness might just give you third-degree burns to your large intestine. So I guess what I’m saying is, definitely READ THIS BOOK but do not attempt to eat it." 
  • "WHY WOULD YOU NOT READ THIS BOOK? Honest to God, are you deranged or something? Somebody check this guy for one of those ID bracelet thingies and see if he’s escaped from somewhere. If he hasn’t, then he ought to be taken to some maximum security facility for crimes against good sense because I’ll tell you, the only person who didn’t like this book was my great-aunt Shirley and you know what she’s like. She complains about sunshine and puppies and, of course, when her Hoveround runs out of juice and she gets stranded in the produce aisle at the wholesale club. Is that the kind of company you keep? My great-aunt Shirley and the criminally insane? No? OK, then, you’ll definitely love this book."
You can Photoshop your cover in place of the One Ring.
  •  "I came out of my cave to write this blurb, but as soon as I’m done, I’m taking this book back into the bowels of the earth and stroking it for a good century or two or until I am reduced to being a sub-human clad only in rags, my teeth and eyes yellow, my blackened toenails curled in on themselves. THAT’S the level of ferocious, possessive LOVE I feel for this novel."
  • "This book and I will be married on the second of June. You are all invited to attend the ceremony just as long as you don’t make snarky comments about my decision to wear white."

Please leave me some of your own blurbs in the comments section!