Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Happy New Year, my lovelies!

I know one is supposed to make resolutions to improve one's self to mark the new year, but pffft to that. I’m going a different way in 2012—with a resolution of selfishness. And here it is: No one but no one will lay a finger on my new pens.

You see them over there? They are My Preciouses. Each one special and unique and not to be used by anyone but ME without permission, and I can assure you that that permission will never, ever be given.

See, a couple years ago I went to this event where they did a gift exchange thing, and I ended up getting this stack of fancy lady note paper and a fancy lady pen. At first I dismissed this fancy lady gift as fanciful, thinking, what am I going to do with this? Write notes to myself? 

“Dearest Kristen: Smashing job today revising chapter eleven for the sixty-eighth time, darling! I think you really got it this time! Brilliant!"

Well, let me tell you, I soon fell madly and hopelessly in love with the fancy lady pen I received, and I forbade any sticky-fingered, Cheerio-eating, ne’er-do-wells from using it, which turned out to be an edict frequently and wantonly broken. Despite practically foaming at the mouth about my pen and no one being allowed to touch it, my beloved pen would still, inexplicably, migrate to locations around the house without my knowledge or consent, and over time, it even acquired a few bite marks that were not my own. Let me tell you, I want other people’s bite marks on my pen about as much as I want other people’s bite marks on my arm. I almost tied my pen to my desk with a string to prevent future thievery, but then I came to my senses and recognized that adopting a practice commonly used at most DMVs was the wrong way to go. No, instead I knew I should just keep up with the constant threats of bodily harm. Also, I may have intimated to one or two of my kids that I was going to change her name to Eunice. ("I can do it, you know. Just a quick trip to the county courthouse, a little bit of paperwork, and boom, you're Eunice Hildegarde for the rest of your natural life!")
Well, can you believe that for Christmas I got three of these fancy lady pens from Santa? Yeeeessss. So shiny, so lovely, so utterly and unequivocally MINE. 


Or else, or else, or else I swear I’ll … I’ll—oh, I don’t know.  I’ll do something. I’m running out of legitimate things to threaten people in my household with, which is why I’ve graduated to more and more ridiculous fear-mongering techniques, like walking around with a pillowcase full of doorknobs at all times.

What’s your favorite thing on your desk that no one is allowed to touch? 

*Update: I'm feeling much better about all this business. Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my last post. They really cheered me up a lot. You are extremely awesome. Yes, I'm talking about you there, at your keyboard, in your leopard-print Forever Lazy.*