Thursday, May 13, 2010

Multiple Choice

I hope you’ve got your number 2 pencils out and sharpened, people. It’s time for a test. You have eleven minutes. And your time starts…now!

1) The husband is away this week on a business trip. Last time he went away for a week-long trip, I started a blog. What should I do this time?

a) launch my own line of artisanal cheeses
b) continue to ignore my Facebook page in defiance of all those who keep telling me that I will “come around eventually” (no, I refuse to “like” it – bugger off already)
c) solve the series of baffling heiress murders in the quaint coastal town in Maine where I live

2) I don’t know what the heck a blogfest is. I see this term everywhere, but I seriously have no idea what people are talking about. I think it could possibly be:

a) nothing to worry about -- my cousin had it. Broad-spectrum antibiotics clear it right up
b) this thing where people all meet in an abandoned warehouse and engage in something known as voguing
c) something that Snooki and The Situation talk about a lot – not that I know who they are either

3) How many more ways can Nathan Bransford possibly explain how to write effective query letters on his blog?

a) Googleplex. He can write about queries googleplex more times and people will still not get it.
b) Why? Why? Why?
c) But Nathan is really nice. Don’t make fun of him.
d) I’m not making fun of him, I’m just, you know, asking why people still find this a perplexing issue when he’s already explained query writing six ways to Sunday over and over and over again. He’s not going to say yes to your query letter no matter how many times you rewrite it, OK?

4) In all seriousness, do you think ebooks are going to replace the printed word?

a) No.
b) Yes.
c) Let’s see, why don't we write humpty-nine billion articles and blog posts about this issue, and when we reach the humpty-nine billion and first one, the answer will finally be: “I guess we’ll freaking find out." Now everybody just relax and stop predicting the end of publishing because no amount of hand-wringing is going to replace waiting and seeing.

5) How much pleasure did Kristen taken in deleting all the agent contact information she kept bookmarked on her computer this week?

a) So. Very. Much.
b) She didn’t do it because the whole agent thing still hasn’t fully sunk in yet, and she fears she may wake up, and it will all have been a dream.
c) None. Because she didn’t. Because they’ll somehow know and be angry. She remains a fearful little cockroach when it comes to even discussing agents.

6) Whose nutritious, delicious blog is endorsed by the Office of the First Lady as part of her campaign to fight the epidemic of childhood obesity in America?

a) Sierra Godfrey’s blog. I can’t remember the name of it. It’ll come to me...All I know is that it's low fat and tastes of wheat grass.
b) Karen's Coming Down the Mountain: because it has giraffes, and I like giraffes. Well, I like them a heck of a lot more than I like pandas. Giraffes taste a lot better.
c) Jayne's A Novice Novelist. Because I needed to give an award to someone in the UK, in accordance with the rules and regulations laid out by the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.
d) Tina Lynn’s blog. But she’s a borderline case, because I swear I have gained 10 pounds from eating too many Sweet Niblets.

7) Kristen, you have received a few blog awards that you neither posted nor passed on to other deserving blogger friends. If you don’t mind my asking, WTF?

a) I’m prohibited by interstate trade law from posting blog awards, and suffice to say, I don’t need the freaking feds on my back again. Nor the FAA, for that matter. I'm sick of that Matt guy buzzing my house with his airbus.
b) Actually, the truth is, I only post badges for awards I receive from Meghan Ward.
c) Wendy Ramer hardly needs any promotion help from me. So just forget it. Don’t even mention that woman’s name to me.
d) That dear lass at Aleighopolis is way too organized, thus causing me to be resentful, and thus, I am ill-disposed to putting a link in my blog to hers. Spiteful? Perhaps. But I didn’t attain these lofty heights in my career by being generous-minded.
e) Since when is laziness something I need to rationalize? I mean, come on, Trav has practically raised it to an art form, and no one badgers him.
f) I'm not supposed to mention Lt. Cccyxx so, of course, I'm gonna. Don't go to his blog though, because I suspect he may be an escaped test subject from the NIH's secret lab in Maryland. The one where they mess with your mind and torture you. Oh, no, wait. That's writing that's warped him. Still, better steer clear. I hear his urine glows in the dark.

Post your answers below and no, I don’t grade on a curve so when you get your grade, do not show up at my office hours moaning about how I just screwed up your GPA for the semester.