Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Writer’s Glossary

In true Wiki style, I encourage you to add your own terms and definitions in the comment section. Together we can build a useful compendium for future generations.

**********************************

IRONICALLY OBVIOUS: A typo in your manuscript or query letter that can only be caught four minutes after you hit send.

DELUSIONS OF FIRST DRAFT GRANDEUR: The erroneous belief that your first draft is good just the way it is and will not require revision.

SCRIBBLOTOPIA: A time, place, or alternate dimension where you'll finally be able to focus on your writing. Ie., a place that does not, cannot, and shall not ever exist. See associated listings under, UNICORNS and DELICIOUS, NO-CAL CHEESECAKE.

DEAD-DOG EDITS: Those revisions you will only undertake if someone is threatening to shoot your dog. Or not publish your manuscript.

AMBIVALENT VERBOSITY: When you keep changing the same sentence or word back and forth between two options, neither of which you really like.

BITCH SLAP CRITIQUE: When someone unleashes a torrent of snarky comments on a first draft for no reason other than that they’ve mistaken cruelty for honesty.

RED-FACE NOVEL: Your first novel, which, in retrospect, you now realize was embarrassingly awful.

ADVERBIAL CO-DEPENDENCY: An appalling addiction to or reliance upon adverbs. Often found in aforementioned RED-FACE NOVEL. Difficult to treat. Heavy doses of REJECTION have proven effective in many cases, however.

COMPOUND DISBELIEF: The feeling you have when you read a book that got published and you can’t for the life of you understand why. Characterized by one or more of your bones protruding from your skin, generally your skull.

CRITIQUERY: The art of acting like a pretentious jackass in a writer’s workshop or similar setting. Eg., by talking down to others using concepts or terms picked up that one semester spent in art school or otherwise behaving in a superior, tiresome way.

THREAD TROLL: That guy who pops up on certain writer’s forum threads who -- in response to expressions of frustration -- feels the need to tell you to either grow up or give up, and if you don’t like it, too bad. That’s publishing for you.

EDITORIAL EMESIS: The point you reach during revisions when you simply cannot look at your manuscript for one more goddamned second without puking.

TONGUE TRANSPLANT CANDIDATE: A person who’s bitten his tongue one too many times in response to someone’s drunken cocktail party assertion that they, too, having been thinking about writing a novel. Especially someone who writes for young people and who hears how much “easier” that is than writing for adults.

SLOWER THAN A CONSTIPATED GLACIER: The rate at which space-time passes while you’re waiting to hear back from agents or editors about the status of your project.

MAGICAL EFFING JACKRABBIT: An idea that you chase and chase, thinking it will lead you somewhere fantastic, but instead it only leads you down a dark hole full of spiders, worms, and voles.

NARRATIVE TARPIT: Where your plot gets stuck and eventually dies, leaving behind its bones for future paleontologists to study.

REJECTION: All you have ever known.

HYPE JOCKEY: A person who gallops to undeservedly good sales on the back of a horse called Overly-Hyped.

GOING DOWN WITH THE HYPE SHIP: What happens to an author when his/her book sinks under ruinous reviews because readers are ultimately disappointed that the book wasn’t the next Twilight, like the cover blurb claimed it was.

PULLING UP A SEAT TO THE CARDIAC SMORGASBORD: When you are eating your heart out about someone else’s agent, book deal, sales figures, movie option. A continuous state for most writers. See cross-listing under, NORMAL.

THE NEXT BIG THING: Probably not you.

Comments (17)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
Alas, so true. And also brilliant!
These are really great. May I suggest adding:

DEREDISIMMERSION: the process of shifting from thinking about your book to thinking about the rest of your life, and vice versa. Also can be defined as the process of shifting from thinking about your fantasy life as a full-time writer back to your real life where you have to be downtown for a 7:45 am conference call, and vice versa.
Hilarious!

Also, don't forget CHOCOLATE: The substance or practice which keeps you sane during the writing process, and usually inspires you to dive back into the mess you've just created of your MS.
These are brilliant! Thanks for the laugh. Love deredismmersion and of course, CHOCOLATE as well!
"Pulling up a seat at the Cardiac Smorgasbord." HA! Oy, have I been there before. Not a fun place.

I would offer a related term:

SOCIAL MEDIA WORMHOLE DISORDER.
While using social media such and Twitter or blogging, you feel like you've been zapped back in time to High School, and are once again the nerd/looser watching all the popular kids laugh and have fun and feel congratulate themselves for being so cool.
How about "Relative Deflation"? The long, sad process by which relatives transform from unshakably confident you will become the next JK Rowling and live on a yacht constructed entirely of money to people who look away and change the subject when you mention anything regarding books, publishing, fiction, stories, fairytales and/or haiku.
Ha! I love it! Keep 'em coming. We might just create the first WikiDictionary of Writerly Humiliation.

And, yeah, isn't it amazing how friends & family begin to withdraw their confidence as the time goes on and you still haven't got a movie deal yet?
ROFL, love 'em.

PLOT HOLE PARALYSIS: When you discover a looming abyss where you thought was a perfectly good bridge, and stay frozen, unable to cross to the other side because it'll take so much damn brainpower to sort it out.
CREATIVE SLEEPING The process of working on plot and dialouge in bed right before you drift off to sleep for the night.
I just added my Twitter ID over on the side bar. Thanks for pointing that out, Meghan. You're always looking out for me. ;)

Yeah, can you tell I've been doing revisions lately?

Revise, revise, revise. *stifle urge to barf* revise revise revise

Repeat as needed.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: The cruel voice in your head that points out when a sentence, paragraph, or, regrettably, sometimes even a page, has repeat, or unnecessary information that doesn’t move the storyline along.

Here's a snippet of my recent conversation with Captain Obvious...

“Loser! There’s only so many times you have to tell the reader that people on the Oregon Trail who don’t have water ARE THIRSTY, AND LOOK FOR IT A LOT!”

This is a great post! Thanks for sharing,

Christi Corbett http://christicorbett.wordpress.com
Well done. And you're right, probably not me.
Those are fantastic. Where would we be in this business without the humor and camaraderie of other writers?

'Internetworking' -- not as in what you do with bridges, routers, or gateways to connect computers, but as in virtually the only way you communicate with other human beings.
QUAGMIRE. The part of a novel or story that separates the beginning from the ending.

PLATO SPAGHETTI. Greek philosopher who gave his name a popular pasta and the outlining technique for novels.

Thanks to Risa for passing this on to me and Kristen for putting it out there.

Post a new comment

Comments by